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Feeding Cues

Danielle Sharon on January 15, 2024

Every time I present my class to expectant parents I ask this question, “How do you know when a baby is hungry?”  I have yet to give a class where the common answer isn’t “crying.”

I then go on to give the couples the information I am about to give you.

Crying is actually a very late feeding cue.  Many cues have happened before a baby will cry.  If your baby ends up crying that means your baby tried to tell you in various other ways that he/she was hungry and ready to eat.  If you missed the earlier cues and your baby starts to cry, do not worry, this is bound to happen sometimes.  Perhaps you were on your phone, or sleeping, or not paying attention for a few minutes.  It is okay if it happens, and you can just put your baby on your shoulder to calm her/him and then proceed to latch your baby.  It is difficult to latch a baby who is very upset.  Calming a baby first will help make that process smoother for both you and your baby.

Okay, back to cues.  Newborn babies will feed very frequently and there is no wrong time to try a feed.  If your baby is asleep and starts to wiggle around.  You can pick up your baby, get her/him down to a dry diaper, and feed.  Other early feeding cues to look for are smacking lips together, opening and closing mouth, sucking fingers, lips, or tongue.  Almost anything a newborn does aside from sleeping and having a little quiet alert time, is likely a feeding cue.  If a baby is not hungry, he/she will not eat.  This is a benefit of breastfeeding because babies are in control of their intake.  Sometimes, that is not the case with a bottle.

If you have missed these early cues for one reason or another (hopefully you were sleeping), then your baby will display more active feeding cues.  These include rooting (a baby opening his/her mouth to the side in search of the teat), fidgeting, squirming, hitting you, quickened breathing, and fussiness.  If you missed these more active feeding cues, then babies move on to the late cues, including frantically moving head side to side and crying.  To reiterate, this will happen at times.  Be patient and kind to yourself.  Calm your baby on your shoulder and then try to latch.

It is great to notice the early cues because it makes latching easier. Also, calm babies have more patience when you are both learning the new language of breastfeeding.  However, if you end up latching your baby after active cues or even late cues, it is okay.  Stay calm and patient with yourself and your baby.  Learning to breastfeed is like learning a new dance with a new partner.  Your baby was used to being fed automatically in your womb.  Getting proficient at feeding will take time and experience.  Good thing babies often eat 12 or more times in 24 hours.  Lots of practice!  Never hesitate to try breastfeeding any time your baby seems discontented for any reason.  Breastfeeding was designed to soothe and provide security in any situation.  There is no such thing as “your baby is using you for a pacifier.” A pacifier was developed due to the soothing nature of the teat!  It is absolutely okay and healthy for your baby to suckle at your breast for comfort and to fall asleep there.  Hormones in breastmilk are designed to put your baby to sleep.  Breastfeeding is not just for ingesting calories.

Once you both learn your new dance, you will become wonderful partners who do not have to put much effort in to knowing what your baby is needing from you.  You will have your own special language and be in sync with each other.  When this happens, it feels wonderful.  You and your baby have a symbiotic relationship, as it is designed to be.  There is no reason to promote any form of separation or independence.  As babies get older, if they have a secure attachment with their primary caregiver, they will do this naturally on their own.  Please reach out to me for more information on feeding cues and anything breastfeeding and baby sleep!

Getting More Sleep

Danielle Sharon on January 4, 2024

Contrary to fad thinking about baby sleep, which could put building a secure attachment with your baby at risk, there are many natural, biologically appropriate strategies that promote both a secure attachment and maximize nighttime sleep.  Babies’ bodies work on a 24 hour circadian rhythm just like adults.  Both adults and babies wake up after a sleep with their ‘sleep pressure’ low.  Our level of sleep pressure determines how tired we are.  When our sleep pressure is low, we have likely slept recently and are not tired.  As the day goes on our sleep pressure builds until nighttime when it is at its highest.  Then, we are able to fall asleep.  The sleep itself will lower the sleep pressure back to low to begin another day.  Several factors can interfere with our natural sleep pressure.  Such as if we stayed up particularly late and slept in until noon the next day.  This will likely lead to our sleep pressure not being high until much later in the evening.  It might take a day or two of being back to our usual routine to reset our normal circadian rhythm.  Other things impact our sleep such as a nap during the day or travel.  The concepts are the same for babies.  The difference is that babies’ sleep pressure builds more rapidly during the day and therefore, they take a nap to drop it back down.  Upon waking from a nap, a babies’ sleep pressure is low and they can go on with their day until it once again is very high and they need another nap.  Depending on the age of the baby or toddler, sleep pressure builds frequently (as with a newborn) or down to just once a day (as with an older toddler).  In addition, there is no one size fits all when it comes to sleep.  Just like adults, all babies’ sleep needs are unique.  If you ask your friends and family how much sleep they need, the answers will vary greatly.  Babies are the same.  There is a bell curve of sleep needs, and some babies need very little day time sleep, while others need much more.  We need to follow the lead of our individual baby.  We need to stop comparing our baby to our other children, our sister’s baby, a friend’s baby, a neighbor’s baby, or any baby on social media.  This sets us up to feel less than and inadequate when it comes to parenting and in turn impacts the way we feel about our babies.

Let’s dial in to our babies.  Rule of thumb, do not put your baby to sleep unless your baby is showing true signs of being very tired.  Trying to get a baby to sleep who is not actually tired is an exhausting power struggle that leads to frustration, tears (both you and your baby), and impacts the enjoyment of this stage of life.  Many times, when a baby appears unsettled, they are actually bored.  Babies require a significant amount of sensory input.  They love to see what this new world is all about.  If a baby appears antsy or ‘cranky’ the first step is to change your surroundings.  Go outside and see the trees and hear the birds. Bundle up if it is cold.  Babies love fresh air.  If your baby still displays signs of being tired (yawning, rubbing eyes) then it is time to try a nap.  If your baby does not effortlessly fall asleep, his/her sleep pressure was not high enough.  It should not take you doing any fancy tricks to get your baby to sleep.  A feed will lull your baby right to sleep if she/he is tired.  You will get to know your individual baby very well over the first few months of life, and you will dial in to which signs are bored and which are actually tired.  If you only put your baby to sleep when sleep pressure is high, you will not get into power struggles and your baby will nod off to sleep easily and peacefully.  Using this approach brings your stress level way down. Then, as exhausted as a new parent is, you take some rest too!

It is also important to pick a wake time and stick to it.  Bedtime and nap times are not as important, but a wake time sets the day up for success.  Pick a time that works in your individual family.  Some parents are early risers, while others like to sleep in a bit.  It also depends on factors such as work schedules and other children in the household.  Pick a time that is the earliest that works for your family, then for the most part stick to it (special occasions and traveling aside).  This will help organize the day and allow sleep pressure to begin to build.

Next tip.  Live your life!!  Create your life in the fullest manner possible with what brings you pleasure and bring your baby along.  Have your life rich in sensory experience by filling your day with the social outlets/activities you enjoy.  Babies love to tag along.  They do not love staying home every day staring at the same walls, and neither do you!  This can lead to feeling ‘baby blues’ and not enjoying your new role as parent.  If you are at home, invite people over with whom you enjoy spending time.  Babies love new faces and voices, especially from the safety of your arms.  Naps should not dictate your day and length of naps are not of primary concern.  If you had an outing and baby falls asleep in the car on the way home for 20 minutes.  Not a problem.  There is no need to drive around your neighborhood for an hour ensuring that 60 minute nap.  There is no need to darken rooms, keep the house quiet, use sound machines, or any other method or gadget for keeping babies asleep.  In fact, we don’t want babies sleeping the day away.  Day time is for living!  The car cat nap likely dropped the sleep pressure back down and your baby will be ready for alert time before it builds again.  If you are needing rest yourself, please enlist some supportive loved ones to come hold and play with your baby for an hour or two while you get some rest.

I have many tips for you.  However, I can only cover so many in this one article.  Lastly for now is, keep in mind that we never want to keep a tired baby awake.  That would be torturous.  I am sure you can relate to being exhausted yet having to stay awake.  Therefore, please do not do that to your baby.  However, after a baby has taken some sleep (the amount depending on several factors), we can wake our babies gently and lovingly.  We can change the amount of daytime sleep our baby is taking by altering the length of naps, not by keeping our tired babies awake.  Any altering done should come on the tail of the nap.  I am happy to help you determine how much this is for your individual baby.  Please reach out to me.  Also, as your baby develops and grows, his/her sleep needs are constantly changing.  What worked last month may need some tweaking.  How do we know when this is?  The nights get less manageable and there is more frequent waking.  This tells us that we need to alter daytime sleep.  Lastly, please do NOT let your baby cry.  There is no need for those “methods” if I can even call them that.  There is no need to raise both your and your baby’s cortisol levels.  It is not healthy for either of you and it is unnecessary.  It goes against our biology as mammals and our maternal instinct.  Mothers often regret it, and those who don’t have often pushed those feelings away and detachment is not how we were biologically designed.  Human babies are the most vulnerable.  They take the longest to walk and talk.  We are designed to have a hormonal response to our crying baby.  We are designed to protect.  That is why we are called the “mama bear.”  We do not want to diminish this response.  We want to embrace it.  We want to work with our biology.  Not against it.

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Please NO Feed, Wake, Sleep Schedules

Danielle Sharon on January 3, 2024

Let’s talk about normal baby sleep.  Babies have a 24 hour circadian rhythm just like adults.  However, when they are born, they often have their days and nights swapped.  The reason for this is that babies are often lulled to sleep during the day by moms constant moving, while at night when mom is (attempting) to rest the baby is very active.  There are many gentle ways to coax your baby along to taking his/her long(ish) sleep during the night when we want to rest (see my article on Getting More Sleep).

First, I would like to address the backwards, against human biology idea of the feed, wake, sleep approach to babies.  To start, mammals are meant to eat frequent, small meals that they metabolize quickly.  While cows are intended to grow big bodies and smaller brains, humans are intended to grow leaner bodies and big brains.  Therefore, the protein in human milk is the exact size to accomplish this goal.  Restricting babies’ feedings is against our intended design and downright cruel.  This drives babies to eat Thanksgiving size meals as opposed to the small, frequent meals they were meant to have.  This approach could lead to several consequences including stomach distress, reflux, pain, and bloating.  In addition, babies eat for several reasons in addition to caloric value.  Babies feed to bond, develop a secure attachment with his/her caregiver, and feel safe in a world much bigger, louder, and scarier than that of the protective womb.  We need to dial in to our baby’s needs, not away.

How we as a culture got off the mark has to do with any trend in any area…follow the money.  Many people are making money by promoting these backwards ideas.  Can you tell I feel strongly about it? I am not mincing words so that you know how much passion I have for this topic and how much I care.  I am invested in the thriving of not only your baby, but you as a parent, and your family as a whole.  Breastfeeding will often fail with these types of schedules, as they are not meant for mammals.  If breastfeeding is set up to fail who benefits?  I can think of several industries.  In addition, there are many people out there who tout success with this or that new routine to rope in tired, vulnerable moms.  I cannot think of a population more easily targeted by the latest and greatest ‘method’ for sleep.  I remember growing up with commercials for the newest toys.  The commercials were not put on adult programming (the ones who actually bought the toys).  They were put on children’s programming.  Children were vulnerable and easily manipulated by the latest shiny toy. Unfortunately, bigger picture view is that it was never as great as it appeared, and it never led to contentment.

Back to babies.  If your baby is hungry, but knows food is not coming.  Or, scared alone in a dark room, but knows no caregiver is coming.  Their silence is learned.  In psychology we call this learned helplessness.  This does not mean your baby is not distressed.  It means your baby has learned that his/her needs will not be met; therefore, there is no point in expending energy to protest.  This silence does not mean there are no long-term consequences, primarily in regards to attachment.  Babies and toddlers will control what they can and not what they can’t.

An infant’s biology is designed to feed/suckle upon waking, have alert awake time, feed/suckle once again, and then sleep.  In fact, breastmilk contains properties that promote sleep.  It is much harder to get a baby to sleep after playing than it is after feeding.  Suckling slows everything down and puts your baby in a state of relaxation and comfort.  Why mess with this beautiful biology.  It is incredible how we were designed.  Everything has a function.  Nothing is to waste.  If we follow the natural biology, we will find the answers.

Parenting is much easier and creates much less stress and anxiety in both the baby and the parents if we follow natural instincts and not a fad.

I have had many calls from parents in deep regret over getting in power struggles with their babies when it comes to feeding and sleep.  They are desperate to “undo” it.  We work to secure the bond.  Babies really only need a few things to feel secure in a big world.

I do not want you to go through regret or detach.  I am writing this article to preempt your remorse.  To set you and your baby up for the most success.  I have had many parents tell me that their babies rarely cry if they follow their natural biology.  Ultimately, you don’t really need me.  You have your maternal instinct.  However, you may find me useful to help dispel pop culture and reassure you that your ‘gut’ is correct.  You and your baby will thank YOU later.  I am here to be your educated voice. To give you tools for your toolbox.  I want you to have more sleep!  I want you to leave the house and have a full life!  There are many natural strategies that many cultures throughout the world have been using since the beginning.  I want to empower you with them.

In many cultures they look to older generations to learn the tools of the ‘parenting’ trade.  However, they are difficult to find in Western culture.  Please read my blog on ‘Getting More Sleep’ to start using some of these tips.  My goal is for you to love being a parent!  I want you to fall in love with your baby, your baby to fall in love with you, and for you to want this experience to slow down instead of speed up.  I want you to look back on this time with warm feelings.  Parenting is not perfect.  Parents are not perfect.  Babies are not perfect.  However, the hardships can feel much more manageable and rewarding if the bond is secure.

Is My Baby Getting Enough

Danielle Sharon on January 3, 2024

Do any of you as new parents worry that your breastfed baby is not ‘getting enough’? Has the culture of our time made you numbers and data preoccupied, and you have been told you need to see a quantity enter your baby to know he or she has gotten enough to grow?

I am here to help dispel that myth and teach you how you can dial into your individual baby to ensure that your baby is consuming enough calories to thrive.  These are called ‘Signs of Milk Transfer.’ Here we go.  First, it is important to get a realistic idea of how much babies actually take per feed.  It is probably much less than you would have imagined.  The media has portrayed these large bottles filled to the top.  This shifts our idea of what is biologically appropriate for a developing baby and a tiny stomach.  There are bottom line incentives that benefit many companies to have us thinking that our babies are taking in copious amounts of fluid per feed.  Let’s get down to the facts.  Before reading on, take a guess at how big your newborn’s tummy is and how much would fit in that tummy comfortably.  See if you were close.

Your baby was born with a stomach about the size of a marble!  Are you surprised?!  I know I was.  Do you want to guess approximately how much goes into that one day old tummy per feed? A teaspoon!  Yes, about 5ml of colostrum is a feed for your newborn baby.  Does that help rest your mind about quantity expectations?  I hope so.  On day of life three your baby’s stomach is approximately the size of a ping pong ball and will take about 1 oz (30ml) of food per feed.  On day of life ten your baby’s stomach has grown to about the size of an egg and takes about 2 oz (60ml) of food.  Often times, babies will ingest about 2-5 ounces per feed for their entire time breastfeeding.  Are you surprised it is not these large quantities you see in huge bottles?  Babies are designed with a fast metabolism to eat frequent, small meals as opposed to large (Thanksgiving type meals) only a few times in 24 hours.  Babies will often eat 12 times (and sometimes more) in a 24hr period.  Therefore, it is in your baby’s (and your milk supply’s) best interest to feed often (any time he/she is displaying cues; see blog on cues) and throw the feeding schedules where they belong…in the trash.

Now let’s talk about how to know your baby is getting enough.  First, what goes in must come out.  Therefore, your baby’s output is an indicator that your baby is or is not getting adequate intake.  On day of life one we are looking for one pee and one poop.  When I say ‘day’ I am referring to a 24 hour period.  The first poops are black and tarry and called meconium.  On day of life 2 we are looking for two pees and two poops.  On day of life three we are looking for three pees and three poops.  From that point on we are looking for three or more poops and five or more pees.  Another thing to keep in mind is often times there is pee with a poop, but it could be hard to tell.  Many babies will poop with each feed and that is perfectly normal, while others will poop three times in 24 hours.  They are both on the normal curve.  Also, some days your baby may poop much more than on other days.  As your baby gets older than 4 months old he/she may poop less frequently.

Another sign of milk transfer is your baby’s weight.  All babies lose weight after birth.  If you had any fluids during the delivery they will be excreted, plus amniotic fluid.  Babies are born full (not hungry) and they will drop weight after birth.  Most professionals are looking to make sure your baby does not drop below 10% of his/her birth weight before getting concerned.  In addition, many babies will typically not regain to their birth weight until day of life fourteen.  Professionals, including most lactation consultants, will be weighing your baby to make sure things are trending in the right direction and your baby is thriving and not showing signs of lethargy or too much jaundice.  Weight gain after the initial drop is a good indicator that breastfeeding is going well and your baby is getting enough.

Our next sign that your baby is getting enough is that your breasts feel lighter after a feed.  If you started the feed with heavy breasts and end with lighter breasts, the milk went somewhere.  Into your baby!  Keep in mind, as time passes, your baby will become a proficient feeder and your breasts dial into the exact amount your baby needs, your breasts will likely no longer feel this heaviness, so they may not feel much different before and after a feed.  However, this could be a good indicator in the first few weeks of life, while your milk is still regulating to your baby.  Another tip is that the first milk you produce is called colostrum.  This milk is very high in immune properties (among other wonderful qualities) and helps to seal up the gut of your newborn.  This first milk is thick and the consistency of maple syrup.  Therefore, your breasts will often not feel heavy until your milk increases in volume and begins to transition into more mature milk starting around days 2-4 post-partum.

The next sign your baby is getting enough is you will see gliding sucks and hear swallowing.  Again, this does not typically happen with colostrum, so be patient for this one as your milk increases in volume.  The first swallows of thick colostrum sound more like a ‘click’ and often you cannot even hear it.  Once your milk has increased in volume, you should be able to hear more pronounced swallows, which would be a more familiar sound to you.

As you can see, there are many ways to know your baby is getting enough nutrition.  Looking for these signs should give you comfort that things are going well, or alert you to getting support if something is not going as it should.  If your baby is not waking to feed, seems lethargic, is highly unsettled (not calmed by feeds), or looks suntanned (yellow skin) then please reach out to your medical professional and a lactation consultant to get additional support.  If you would like more information on making sure your baby is getting enough or any other breastfeeding topic or question, please reach out to me.  I would be happy to help support you and your baby to achieve your breastfeeding goals. Learn about my breastfeeding classes.

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