Getting More Sleep
Contrary to fad thinking about baby sleep, which could put building a secure attachment with your baby at risk, there are many natural, biologically appropriate strategies that promote both a secure attachment and maximize nighttime sleep. Babies’ bodies work on a 24 hour circadian rhythm just like adults. Both adults and babies wake up after a sleep with their ‘sleep pressure’ low. Our level of sleep pressure determines how tired we are. When our sleep pressure is low, we have likely slept recently and are not tired. As the day goes on our sleep pressure builds until nighttime when it is at its highest. Then, we are able to fall asleep. The sleep itself will lower the sleep pressure back to low to begin another day. Several factors can interfere with our natural sleep pressure. Such as if we stayed up particularly late and slept in until noon the next day. This will likely lead to our sleep pressure not being high until much later in the evening. It might take a day or two of being back to our usual routine to reset our normal circadian rhythm. Other things impact our sleep such as a nap during the day or travel. The concepts are the same for babies. The difference is that babies’ sleep pressure builds more rapidly during the day and therefore, they take a nap to drop it back down. Upon waking from a nap, a babies’ sleep pressure is low and they can go on with their day until it once again is very high and they need another nap. Depending on the age of the baby or toddler, sleep pressure builds frequently (as with a newborn) or down to just once a day (as with an older toddler). In addition, there is no one size fits all when it comes to sleep. Just like adults, all babies’ sleep needs are unique. If you ask your friends and family how much sleep they need, the answers will vary greatly. Babies are the same. There is a bell curve of sleep needs, and some babies need very little day time sleep, while others need much more. We need to follow the lead of our individual baby. We need to stop comparing our baby to our other children, our sister’s baby, a friend’s baby, a neighbor’s baby, or any baby on social media. This sets us up to feel less than and inadequate when it comes to parenting and in turn impacts the way we feel about our babies.
Let’s dial in to our babies. Rule of thumb, do not put your baby to sleep unless your baby is showing true signs of being very tired. Trying to get a baby to sleep who is not actually tired is an exhausting power struggle that leads to frustration, tears (both you and your baby), and impacts the enjoyment of this stage of life. Many times, when a baby appears unsettled, they are actually bored. Babies require a significant amount of sensory input. They love to see what this new world is all about. If a baby appears antsy or ‘cranky’ the first step is to change your surroundings. Go outside and see the trees and hear the birds. Bundle up if it is cold. Babies love fresh air. If your baby still displays signs of being tired (yawning, rubbing eyes) then it is time to try a nap. If your baby does not effortlessly fall asleep, his/her sleep pressure was not high enough. It should not take you doing any fancy tricks to get your baby to sleep. A feed will lull your baby right to sleep if she/he is tired. You will get to know your individual baby very well over the first few months of life, and you will dial in to which signs are bored and which are actually tired. If you only put your baby to sleep when sleep pressure is high, you will not get into power struggles and your baby will nod off to sleep easily and peacefully. Using this approach brings your stress level way down. Then, as exhausted as a new parent is, you take some rest too!
It is also important to pick a wake time and stick to it. Bedtime and nap times are not as important, but a wake time sets the day up for success. Pick a time that works in your individual family. Some parents are early risers, while others like to sleep in a bit. It also depends on factors such as work schedules and other children in the household. Pick a time that is the earliest that works for your family, then for the most part stick to it (special occasions and traveling aside). This will help organize the day and allow sleep pressure to begin to build.
Next tip. Live your life!! Create your life in the fullest manner possible with what brings you pleasure and bring your baby along. Have your life rich in sensory experience by filling your day with the social outlets/activities you enjoy. Babies love to tag along. They do not love staying home every day staring at the same walls, and neither do you! This can lead to feeling ‘baby blues’ and not enjoying your new role as parent. If you are at home, invite people over with whom you enjoy spending time. Babies love new faces and voices, especially from the safety of your arms. Naps should not dictate your day and length of naps are not of primary concern. If you had an outing and baby falls asleep in the car on the way home for 20 minutes. Not a problem. There is no need to drive around your neighborhood for an hour ensuring that 60 minute nap. There is no need to darken rooms, keep the house quiet, use sound machines, or any other method or gadget for keeping babies asleep. In fact, we don’t want babies sleeping the day away. Day time is for living! The car cat nap likely dropped the sleep pressure back down and your baby will be ready for alert time before it builds again. If you are needing rest yourself, please enlist some supportive loved ones to come hold and play with your baby for an hour or two while you get some rest.
I have many tips for you. However, I can only cover so many in this one article. Lastly for now is, keep in mind that we never want to keep a tired baby awake. That would be torturous. I am sure you can relate to being exhausted yet having to stay awake. Therefore, please do not do that to your baby. However, after a baby has taken some sleep (the amount depending on several factors), we can wake our babies gently and lovingly. We can change the amount of daytime sleep our baby is taking by altering the length of naps, not by keeping our tired babies awake. Any altering done should come on the tail of the nap. I am happy to help you determine how much this is for your individual baby. Please reach out to me. Also, as your baby develops and grows, his/her sleep needs are constantly changing. What worked last month may need some tweaking. How do we know when this is? The nights get less manageable and there is more frequent waking. This tells us that we need to alter daytime sleep. Lastly, please do NOT let your baby cry. There is no need for those “methods” if I can even call them that. There is no need to raise both your and your baby’s cortisol levels. It is not healthy for either of you and it is unnecessary. It goes against our biology as mammals and our maternal instinct. Mothers often regret it, and those who don’t have often pushed those feelings away and detachment is not how we were biologically designed. Human babies are the most vulnerable. They take the longest to walk and talk. We are designed to have a hormonal response to our crying baby. We are designed to protect. That is why we are called the “mama bear.” We do not want to diminish this response. We want to embrace it. We want to work with our biology. Not against it.